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Jennifer McMillan    

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Two Aliens and Two Horses Walk into a Pub

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[Julien, Greeny, Pink Horse and Gold Horse are all sitting awkwardly in the pub…]

 

Gold Horse:

Are you going to keep up this charade for much longer!! I can see, I can senseyou on the prowl…what is it you are hunting? Attention?

 

Julien:

Maybe I am 

 

Gold H:

Why?

 

Julien:

It feeds my fantastical fantasy, churning it into a fleshed-out fistful of hierarchical flourishment and fame, we’re all trying to climb such a ladder are we not?

 

Greeny:

[overly excited] Oh yes, this is a new dress! -I’ve chosen black, you see, black is the new green and all that – is what is echoed, no? and I’ve researched it as the fashion to show off human curves. Such a tight fit was hard to succumb inside of the empty space of fabric that must be fitted over my head however! Oh, it was a conquest indeed to overcome, but once I dismantled such a uniform it became much less painful – the dressing that is… the dying of time and the impatience was quite the bullet in my eye, but I did reassemble my sexy fabric to re-fold around my taught parts. If I enact an appropriation of human male horn tonight, I am grateful such a performance can be achieved between my legs, without the need for my garment to tear over my head – which one of my seven holes is required? Don’t tell me! I’ll revel in the surprise! Oh I do hope they find my tedious preparation for human mating a desirable foreplay conversment!

 

Julien:

Maybe keep that to yourself Greeny

 

Gold H:

Yes, you have no illusion to own now we all know your secrets

 

Pink Horse:

I aim for greener pastures too– and not just ones to run in – ones that mean something – moves me, validates me

 

Gold H:

Validate?! And the work I provide fails to do so? I keep you moving all day! You’re my best horse, the children love you, the women love you, the men follow their lovers around on you…oh they are so merry as they go around my empire! 

 

PH:

It’s just getting a little tedious… I feel like I’m going round in circles…

 

Julien:

What line of work are you two in again?

 

Gold H:

The Merry Go Round, it’s the Care-ousel, the happiest place on earth

 

Greeny:

I thought that was Disneyland

 

PH:

And the merry go round and round and the sad go round and round and the bored go round and round your boring world of ‘silk’ and ‘sparkle’ and all things ‘fun’… when is it going to be merry again!

 

Gold H:

Haha, oh my sweet flower, such wit you have

 

PH:

No! I want to be like Julien! 

 

Julien:

No one is like me dear horse, but you are beautifully pink with potential and quite-

 

Gold H:

-She jests Julien. No horse can stay away from the dazzling harlequin colours of my carousel, my golden repertoire and sparkling ambition that enriches all to aspire to be just like me…including you, my pink sweet 

 

Greeny:

[longing] She is a genuine doll!

 

Julien:

A genuine pink fem in training-

 

Gold H:

-My Protégé, see the gold, she is richer than pink dear Julien.

 

PH:

but pink is my favourite colour! Pink ribbons and bows and saddles and dresses and-

 

Gold H:

-and flushed cheeks swelling with embarrassment child and my spleen is pink and my shrivelled up placenta eaten by a sloppy pink tongue licking it off the inside of pink wet cheeks and threading between teeth to cosy up close to pink gums! Oh and the soft pink of human cunts that emit young that will grow up into soldiers and jockeys and farmers who will take what they want from your body until your pretty pink dress is brown and torn and your bonny pink skin is the faded pallor of a common death!

 

PH:

[Crying] – you’re so cruel to me!

 

Greeny:

The merry go round can’t be all bad? If it is merry? Surely you can stay? It sounds fun

 

PH:

[still crying] ha, yeah to tourists maybe! Strangers and …

 

Gold H:

Enough, you belong with your own kind, and you will not make a villain out of me

 

Julien:

True villains are those so self-absorbed and proud that their own ego grows offthe backs of those who cower after the deprivation of the unattainable! 

 

Gold H:

Careful with your next words Julien, I don’t care for implications 

 

Julien:

I do say a lick of paint, a change of shade or a made to order fine tailored suit does not make a man or a woman or an alien or a horse! A high horse you may be, but no horse can reflect a resignation and confine without consent

 

Gold H:

I am warning you! [pointing hoof]

 

Julien:

How dare you! [waving long nails]

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[Gold Horse’s hoof is chopped off by Julien accidently.

Pink Horse cries

Greeny downs wine and pours another glass]

 

 

 

 

Scene 2:

 

[Awkward silence.

Greeny is very drunk]

 

PH:

[Crying] It’s all my fault, what have I done

 

Gold H:

You have ruined me, what leader or politician or king has only three hooves!?

 

PH:

[Crying] I never meant to hurt anyone, I only wanted to explore a different path. Break free from the suspended existence of a predetermined future… yes I know such future is a fantasy for some – stability, fame, I’m desired, but I don’t feel loved… I feel torn between actively leaving my merry go round or passively staying to run behind the clip clop clippidy clop pattern of golden hooves – sure such hooves keep me safe but am I guilty of those who fall underneath such beat of the clip clop? It must be a different beat for those who hear it from below? I am terrified about being eaten alive for all my years of dancing an ignorant gallop, am I too far along this ride to get off? Is leaving it even the right decision or am I throwing myself to the wolves? I’m too soft to survive their bite but I fear my conscience cannot muzzle their instrument of self-defence, I can’t go round again but what awaits me outside of my comfort circle is overwhelming….

 

Greeny:

Are you okay, little pink one?

 

Gold H:

Her? what of me!!!??

 

Greeny:

She didn’t cut your hoof off.

 

Gold H:

No, that pink bitch did!!

 

Julien:

It was an accident! You provoked me so deeply. Your business has prospered off the entrapment and imprisonment of your own kind and raising them as your slaves! A revolving capital of bodies for repetitive sale indeed

 

Gold H:

And what are you capable of? Raising nothing but eyebrows with your ridiculous...presentation 

 

Julien:

Shock and spectacle are better than ill consented and ignorant labour, you farmer in horse clothing! You have wounded the poor child’s heart to the point of no return I am sure of it!

 

Gold H:

A wound most necessary to keep her feet on the ground I assure you

 

Julien:

What do you do with such wounds? Heal them? I don’t think so! You lick to moisten them, to dissolve such inconvenience but keep the blood pouring and the scab raw, whereas I lick to taste the full and real experience! To understand and nourish my body

 

Gold H:

You suck the life out of all you meet you mean! Begging for attention, your glow is acquired at the expense of others – those like my poor innocent pink gem who you have poisoned with your monstrous free-spirited talk of utter trite tripe! I see what you are, you attention whore pillaging your followers and your fans with deceit and domination!

 

Julien:

That’s the pot calling the toaster black!

 

Greeny:

I think you mean that’s the pot calling the spoon black, or is it kitty? A nettle! Hmm something unsettling

 

Gold H:

I’m the leader of the revolution! How dare you call me anything but gold

 

PH:

Revolution? Ain’t nothing revolutionary about running in circles!

 

Gold H:

It rotates, revolving is better than rebelling – remember that

 

PH:

I’d rather evolve

 

Julien:

Cheers to that

 

Gold H:

Don’t you dare!

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[Greeny is sick everywhere]

 

 

Scene 3:

 

Gold H:

Two horses and two aliens walk into a bar. One’s a god forsaken drunk, one’s a cry baby, one’s a monstrous, delusional, attention seeking slut intent on conquering the world with her tits and whore nails!

 

Julien:

And one’s a cruel kidnapping tyrant who will get what’s coming to her

 

Greeny:

Perhaps a spare hoof is required? A thick and horny covering to help an even-toed recovery, although perhaps a more level handed hoof owner would not have provoked such an unbalanced scale if it knew it’s own weight could tip itself into the plummeting consequence of prosecution?

 

Gold H:

Threatened by a prawn and a frog pretending to be sexy, ha!

 

Julien:

We are sexy! No one wants to make love with a horse, except for you honey when you grow into your hooves [to pink horse]

 

Gold H:

People want to fuck opulence and money. Power is sexy, not flesh threatening to deflate, your sex appeal is an inevitable count down

 

[They all wait...]

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[pop! Julien’s balloon boob pop

Gold H screams with laughter 

PH cries

Greeny is confused]

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